So what? OF COURSE!
December 10, 2002
At 16, I was so eager to get a car. Heavenstobetsy, I scrimped and saved money from my job at a movie theater so that I could "afford" to drive the cast off auto that was destined to come my way. When it did finally arrive, that beat up Brown Dodge Omni Hatchback, I really did think I was the Man, able to now tool down the highway, waving out from the earthy brown interior of Detroit's Finest. I would finally be free. I could do whatever I wanted. Yadah, yadah. You know the drill. Got car. Got responsibilities. Had to pay for insurance, gas, tickets. Had to drive sister around. Still couldn't stay out past midnight on a Friday. Typical teen response: "So freakin what? I'm still bloody 16!!! I can't do anything! Argh." I'm sure most of you either said it, or, if you are currently inflicted with that ever lingering STD called "Teenager," you hear it constantly.
I also remember getting this super, totally awesome computer system in my early 20's. All the the bells and whistles. All the the doo-dads and gigamajagitcs. Great machine. Thought it would allow me to turn out the most beautiful and literate masterpieces of fiction this side of Tolkein. Nope. Didn't happen. While I had fun learning on it, it didn't solve my problems, didn't do the work I needed to do to get better at putting phrases together, nor for that matter make me a master typist overnight.
I thought once upon a time getting kissed by a girl would suddenly have my life make sense. I wouldn't be gay anymore... of course, I wasn't gay then, I was just in love with River Phoenix, big difference... but after Alexandria gave me a peck on the lips because I was just "so sensitive," all I could think of was "So what? That's a big nothing."
Same thing happened the first time I kissed a guy too. All my problems didn't vanish. I was still me, I had a lot of growing up to do. Of course, I did get that tingle in my toes, and that rolling thunder that bounded from my heart through my ribcage and back out my throat that told me I was finally on the right track, but all other things equal, life still went on.
Can I say that getting my Master's degree, buying a house, getting a promotion, going a vacation for the first time by myself, getting a checking account and whole host of other, momumental, I-saw-this-in-a-coming-of-age-movie-and-it-was-really-powerful events that, I thought were supposed to answer all those Biq Questions, roll-up the "So Whats" of existence and drop them forever in the Existential Landfill outside of Hackensack, New Jersey? (Exit 23) actually occured? Nope. At the end of the day, they provided no more meaning for my life than wearing the right clothes, shopping in the right stories or buying the right detergent does.
So when I come across a passage like this:
I had placed a personal. A man responded to it. We hit it off and ended up at his apartment, where we had some of the best sex I have ever had. It was everything I had always wanted in a sexual encounter, but had seldom experienced. But afterwards, I was hit like a ton of bricks with a question I could not answer. "So what?" Can you imagine? I have just had the best sex of my life, and all I could think was, "So what?" That phrase kept echoing in my head, and I did not have an answer to it. It just seemed so pointless. And then, to top it all off, he never called me again, and, apart from some slight damage to my pride, I didn't care. The level of my indifference really shocked me. I had spent twenty years fantasizing about an evening like that. I left the church for the sake of it, but once it happened, it just evaporated into thin air. I suddenly realized, this is no way to live. And the next thing I knew, I was going to confession...."
I had to laugh quite loudly. Because what this man said is that he had a profound existential crisis after getting his dick sucked....
I've had good sex in my life, but please.
Far be it from me to come between a man and his deep and profound Inner Awaking To the Cosmic All, but as crises go, while I'm sure his was a rather messy affair, I can't help but think a warm washcloth would have cleared the after-effects away much more thoroughly than a chest beating, "woe is me" look into the very depths of being.
Hey, buddy, you found good sex. That's no small thing in this whacky world of ours. But if you actually thought that good sex leads to good love, well you're right back there in the whole "I'll just buy a car and everything in my life will be great" neighborhood. Finding love through the classifieds, or a bar or any other one night pick up situation, occurs about as often as purchasing a wining lottery ticket on a whim does-- just enough to seem promising but rare enough to know that your efforts would be better spent in something with a proven track record for getting the return you want. Stocks or real estate for the money, time spent volunteering or recreating in a league sport or hobby for meeting people with the shared interests so necessary for love to take hold.
But because the Catholic Church teaches being gay is bad -- and I've heard the rationalizations and convoluted logic that tries to prove this isn't so, but much like a used car salesman and his wares, I just don't buy it -- what are otherwise regular old lessons of life become some big case of "See, it's because you're gay and not because -- as with everything else -- you are Human and have to learn things the hard way."
Life doesn't come off as advertised at the movies. It rarely meets our expectations, especially when we cling to them, deeming to surpass them only when we are no longer looking. (This is right up Scott's Zen-Alley.) Meaning and value? Those things are never found, only created. They come through the effort, through motion, through the attempt. They are earned, not granted. We learn this lesson early on with that first candy bar (or car) that the held the promise of a thousand dreams but that vanished with the waking that comes with possessing. When it hits us again, while in pursuit of those more adult things, we don't beat our chests and go "So What?" but slap our heads and go "Of course!"
After awhile you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child,
And learn to build your roads
On today because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have
A way of falling down in midflight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate
Your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn.
--- Mary T. Flores.
Posted by Jody at December 10, 2002 12:35 AM